Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
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Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi