i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
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[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.