got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
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when the doctor brings med students into your exam
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
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waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words