When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
You Might Also Like
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.