*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
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*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office