Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
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Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.