My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
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“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.