Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
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My neck my back my allergy attack
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times