A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
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Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
secret recipe
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.