Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
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DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Cake!!
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.