If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
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If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.