I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
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Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?