*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
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BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps