I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
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Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.