It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
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2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…