If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
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FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.