I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
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My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry