I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
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My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Well well well…
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year