As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
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Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.