Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
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Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!