[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
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[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
this is literally a CIA plant
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
is this how new cars are made??