My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
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The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Webb. James Webb.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.