*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
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My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Mission: Impossible
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Confused owl: What?!
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
A double negative is a big no-no.
My time has come.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married