I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
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*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Awwwww shit.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
why am I working on Labor Day
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.