Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
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Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
dutch so unserious
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Never forget.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?