What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
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[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap âś”
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog