A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
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What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
When someone trying to leave me
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.