me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
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Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
wtf is a larm clock?
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating