I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
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*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
I unironically love this joke.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑