[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
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I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.