I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
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*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Rooting for the overdog
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.