i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
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ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..