Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
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coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
scrabbled eggs
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes