My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
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Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
waiting for halloween be like:
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.