Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
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0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Not my job 😂
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.