Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
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“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday