*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
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Somebody needs to get my shit together.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
The “baby” on the left….
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book