My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
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Kentucky names the shit out of places
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Cha-ching is my safe word
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
i- i did not expect this
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.