“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
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Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
What the hell happened in there??
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.