I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
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spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
TRAIN’S HERE
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”