I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
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ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.