Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
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Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.