Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
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COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?