Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
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judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?