5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
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Got him!
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
No Google it does not
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth