Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
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If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
the rocks need my help
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
my sentiments exactly
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.