Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
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I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!