[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
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They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.