[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
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Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.