growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
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Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.